Suzanne Goldenberg Provides Rare Insight Into How The Guardian Does Their Scientific Research

There are ways of telling whether she is a denier.
Are there? Oh well, tell us.
Tell me. What do you do with deniers?
Burn them.
And what do you burn, apart from deniers?
More deniers.
Wood.
Good. Now, why do deniers burn?
…because they’re made of… wood?
Good. So how do you tell whether she is made of wood?
Build a bridge out of her.
But can you not also build bridges out of stone?
Oh yeah.
Does wood sink in water?
No, no, it floats!… It floats! Throw her into the pond!
No, no. What else floats in water?
Bread.
Apples.
Very small rocks.
Cider.
Gravy.
Cherries.
Mud.
Churches.
Lead! Lead!
A Duck.
…Exactly. So, logically…
If she weighed the same as a duck… she’s made of wood.
And therefore…
…A denier!